Freestylin\\\’

I’m infamous for an article I wrote about pity dating. I still have people coming up to me and telling me how it changed the way they communicate. Many men will not like what I am about to write because they won’t want to admit that this has happened to them with a girl they thought had the hots for them, and probably a few women will be too ashamed to admit that I’m right. However, the truth is that I’ve seen it time and time again, especially with women who are in their early 20’s or new to the dating scene. I wanted to bring it up because of a frustrating exchange with a co-worker in a relationship who didn’t want to admit that she was in a relationship to a guy who was asking her out, even though she was not interested in this guy!

You run into the weird term “chillin’” or “doing something together” or “hanging out”. And I’m not talking about your boobs. Let’s say a guy uses the term “hang out”. In comes your selective hearing: If you do like him, you want to translate it into a date, but if you don’t like him, you want to translate it into something very platonic or “Oh, he just wants to be friends! I like having friends.”

I used to “chill” and “hang” with guys I had no romantic interest in whatsoever, but it turns out I was a bitch and leading them on. I’ve seen this happen again and again in so many instances. A guy will ask for a girl’s number at the bar, she doesn’t want to be mean, so instead of being real about it — she either gives him her number with the intention of ignoring him if he calls or tries to “buddify” the potential date by saying they can hang out “in a group” or “with friends”. Guess what? That’s still leading him on! Guys suffer from selective hearing, too. Many of them will interpret that as, “Oh, we’re going on a group date.” Or, “Oh, she likes me, she wants to hang out.” Also, don’t lie and say you’re in a relationship if you’re not. It’ll either get back to them, or the person you’re interested in will find out and think you’re in a relationship when you’re not.

Ladies, word of advice: Keep it real. Don’t lead the poor guy on. If you’re not interested, just say, “I’m not interested.” Do not be afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. How big of an asshole would you feel like if a guy felt sorry for you and gave you his number and you called and didn’t understand why he wasn’t calling you back? Exactly.

I’ve gotten into so much crap for this. My problem was that I sincerely just wanted to be friends in most cases. So I’d just fool myself into thinking that the guy got the hint, but really, he didn’t.

Also, try not to get tricked about giving your phone number or email out if you really don’t want to. If you want to, then go for it, but if you don’t then don’t. Just say, “No thanks.” That’s it. If you get called a bitch then obviously he’s a controlling jerk and you don’t need friends like that anyway.

My friend, J, kept looking at her phone the other day and telling me, “This guy I’m not into keeps texting me.”

I asked her if she told him she’s not interested. She said no.

I mean, yes. Technically, people are supposed to know that if you don’t reply to their messages, you’re not interested. Honestly, I can spare five seconds in my day for someone I have a crush on. Unless I’m playing a game, which is stupid — game playing is for middle school. In reality, however, many people live in the same place. And that’s (drumroll please):

DENIAL.

They will rationalize that the reason you are not calling back is because of A, B, or C. And you will keep getting those unwanted texts.

In some cases, however, I wonder if, even though the texts are from an unwanted suitor… are they actually unwanted?

I remember running away from a guy in order to avoid him. But secretly, did I like it that he was stalking me because he was giving me attention? Even though I hated his guts? Sometimes, that’s the case, too. And why would I be interested in what he’s up to or who he’s dating after I’m not the obsession anymore? That actually didn’t happen (me wondering about him). But it is a pretty nacissistic an conceited attitude.

Point being: Be real. It’s one of the most attractive qualities in a person — being genuine, honest, and being able to carry that without coming off as a snobby bitch. This is after over a decade of dating, and it’s very valuable advice.

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